Dear John Lewis

House near the River

Out in the Sticks

Derbyshire

27 October 2010

Numpty Dept.

John Lewis Partnership

Dear John Lewis

Your attention should be drawn to the advert you’re doing on the radio.

I think you may find this difficult to live up to, were you given half a chance, (i.e. the H&S monsters might deserve to win a point, for once). Not to mention very easily undersold. Insurance companies would be queueing up for this one, if we were daft enough to pay for it.

You’ve just promised me that if my home is rendered unfit to live in, by flooding for example, you will find me a similar house to live in.  Kind of like–for–like policy, isn’t it?

Ooohhh no. I don’t think so.

First, the sound effect of teaspoon going round favourite teacup, in my new home, is fine. But while I’m trying not to gag on the smell of sewage swirling round my wellies? While I’m trying to sit on a chair which keeps floating off? And you mention a similar hotel as an option. Ah. That would be the one where they’ve had to close the kitchens and, more to the point, the bar?

Second, which thicko did you pay for this? As someone said, if he was any more stupid he’d have to be watered twice a week.

Third, and I hate to admit this, a) I live by a river and b) have my insurance with you lot. Makes me wonder if I’m as big a prat as you are.

Lordy lordy. Do sort it out, before you do any damage.